The "INEVITABLE"

It happened again. He creeped back into my life again. Well, not fully...but he put his foot right at the door to our past as I was closing it. "Dirty Harry", what did I say in my last post? It was inevitable that we'd bump into each other again and we did. Any time we cross each other's path again, there's bound to be a stir of unexplainable emotions that surface...which can only lead to DRAMA!

I decided last minute that I wanted to go out with a girlfriend of mine to an afterwork party in the city. She had been stressed out lately about her own issues, so it was good to get out and RELEASE the stress, preferably on the dancefloor! Always my therapy! So, I was online with her and noticed a guy that looked familiar and I told my friend, "I think I just saw Dirty Harry's best friend?" So, if he's here, then Dirty Harry should definitely be there too. All of a sudden, my heart started beating faster and I started feeling anxiety. I haven't seen him in months and I must admit, anytime I'm near him, my bloods rushes to my brain and I can't think straight. Yeah, it's THAT DEEP! UNEXPLAINABLE! So, we get inside, scoped out the crowd a bit and ordered our drinks. We began walking around and we reached the other side of the bar and there is Dirty Harry's best friend that noticed me, smiled and waved to me to come over. Of course I'm friendly and went over to him and gave him a kiss hello. Instantly I began thinking, "OMG, where is he? Where's Dirty Harry? He must be around?" So, right then and there his best friend points behind me to turn around and as I did...there he was. He had this scared, silly smile on his face. I kind of jokingly rolled my eyes like "OH NO, YOU'RE HERE!" though inside my heart was going to jump out of my chest! So, he came to me and gave me a kiss hello and I introduced my friend to his friends. There was also a mutual guy friend of Dirty Harry's and mine that popped around the corner and I was surprised as well. So, let me share this with you...any time we're in the same vicinity, we are like MAGNETS. We just can't help but be stuck next to each other, it's just the way we work, the way our chemistry works, it's UNEXPLAINABLE! You'll be hearing that word A LOT! So, the "old me" would have stood there with him...I even felt my body being drawn to his, to stay by his side, but I didn't. As I left, I felt like I had to literally pull myself out of this invisible magnetic force between us...insane! I went on to the dancefloor with my friend, but I just knew that he would definitely be following me...and he did. He came to the dancefloor by me with a guy friend of ours. His guy friend went to dance with my girlfriend so Dirty Harry and I were left alone...BIG MISTAKE! So, he asks me politely "Can I dance with you? I'm actually really scared to ask, but I took the chance." I hadn't seen the guy in months and my feelings for him...UNEXPLAINABLE...LOL! So, I couldn't say NO! There was no turning back after that!

On the dancefloor we were, in our own world, our bodies touching after such a long time and it felt so right and so good! He was holding me tight, hugging me, his lips were by my neck,I had lost all control and was enjoying every moment. He told me that he missed me and his body language said it all. Now remember, he was seeing some other chick which was a big reason why I stopped seeing him because there was so much drama and nonsense with that and I didn't want to be apart of it anymore. So, he tells me that he wasn't seeing her anymore. I gave him the whole "What do I care?" line. I'm wondering is he telling me this so I can feel better and maybe give in to a night of crazy passion with him?! LOL Maybe?!I was definitely caught up in the moment, I must say. So he then invited me to another spot, my friend already had left with another friend of his. I told her it was okay, because Dirty Harry was going to give me a ride into town. I told you...like MAGNETS! So, I ended up going with him to another lounge near where we live and from there I was by myself with his friends and I felt out of place and ridiculous. I guess I started to sober up and reality hit me that this guy put me through so much heartache the last 3 years and I'm over here hanging with him and his friends. He was already drinking and feeling tipsy and all over the place and I got turned off and upset. I ended up making moves to leave. I went up to him and his friends and said that I was leaving. It was kind of early and he came up to me asking me where I was going. I told him I was going home and that I had to wake up early. He grabbed my hand and told me that he would take me home. I told him, "NO! I'm going to call a cab myself...thank you" He kept on insisting and I stood strong and said NO THANK YOU! So, he got all emotional and walked me to the front so I can call my cab. Before we got outside, that's when he corned me again and begain to express his feelings for me (again). Felt like Deja Vu from years back! He began to say that he missed me, that he LOVED me and that he feels that we're gonna get married. In a beautiful perfect world, that would be nice...but in reality...this guy is BOGUS! Then he began to hug me and kissed my lips and I just stood there, didnt give in but didn't pull back either. Ugh, how I would love for it to be wonderful between us. If the drama didn't exist...I would be with him, I would because of how I've always felt strongly for him inside...but I can't! I won't do it to myself! I won't get involved with him again. The drama still exists, and the fact is...he's just not ready for anything serious! He said it himself, so why even mention marriage? He's crazy! So, my cab comes and he's holding on to me, telling me that he loves me and that when the time is right, we will be together. He says, "All or nothing...I know that's what you want and I want to do things the right way" Well, what I got out of it is that when HE IS READY, it will be all or nothing. Ugh, I know since I'm in it I can't see what everyone else sees which is BULLSH*T! In my heart I want to believe that he can miraculously change and really love me and PROVE to me that he will be committed to me, etc...but it doesn't seem to be in him and he knows this. It hurts to have such strong feelings for someone for such a long time, hoping for a MIRACLE and know that you're going to be disappointed in the end.

I mean, I have moved on from him and dated others, but inside he's always had my heart and I was never able to open up to other guys. I'm not sure why I never got that closure from him. Maybe because we never got the chance to experience a relationship with just us and no exes, drama, etc. We were always in some kind of mess and it was his fault and my own for entertaining it for such a long time. So, where was I? I got into my cab as I left him with this sad and disappointed face...which was probably just the liquor that took over his emotions. So, as I walk into my place, I get a text...from him. It reads "I love you. Yeah I said it. I really do, sorry" Ugh! He is the biggest DRAMA QUEEN ever! All I said was goodnight.

So, this all happened on Friday night and he texted me here and there over the weekend to see what I was doing and I actually responded. I got a little wrapped up in it again, but not too much so i kept it pretty light. I went out Saturday night for another event and got a little tipsy actually. I ended up doing the old "drunk text" move....ugh! HORRIBLE! I KNOW! I texted Dirty Harry that he didn't love me and that he talked so much sh*t! I told him if he really loved me he would have been with me, etc. Then I sobered up and texted him back saying to ignore that last two texts...LOL Yeah, a VERY bi-polar moment I had...which I'm kinda famous for at times! LOL He texted me back "Omg, are you okay". I wrote back "Nope" and no response. The next day he texted me "How the hangover?" I didn't respond right away. Actually, I was with two of my girlfriends having brunch and they insisted that I don't reply. Once I left them, I answered him back like three hours later saying "I'm good". Then I didn't hear back from him.

So, this was Memorial Day weekend I was off from work that Monday, so on Monday night, I was downloading pics that I had taken from the night in the city that I bumped into him. I saw the pics and got a bit emotional again. There were a couple of pics we took together and I was thinking WOW, this is the guy that I've been caught up with for 3 YEARS and some! WHY?! Why does he keep coming back into my life?! What's the reason? I keep moving on from him, date others and then BOOM, he crosses my path again! UNEXPLAINABLE!!! So, I decided to email him the pics since there were some of him and his friends in there as well. In the email I wrote here are some pics for his "memory album". Then I pretty much told him that if he ever wanted to come back into my life, like he said, he would have to do things the RIGHT way and yes it would have to be ALL or NOTHING. He texted me the next day, which was Tuesday thanking me for sending him the pics and that was that. I haven't heard from him since.

Now, in between all of this mess, there's this chick that he's been involved with. My friends are all aware as I am as well that she will not let this guy go and would be willing to share him, that's how pathetic she is. She settled and stood with him, I didn't. So, this chick has a myspace page, which we had exchanged a couple of words last year about this whole drama, but I have a myspace page too and she would pretty much stalk me and make comments on her page that were towards me. So, I knew during this weekend, word would get around to her that we were in contact. So my friends and I checked out her page and what do you know. She made a comment on her status about me claiming that she is still with Dirty Harry and that this was all a game, etc. She really is immature in leaving those comments directed towards me, but it made me think...do I really want to be with a guy that has these obsessed girls lingering around him. That's just too much drama for me and I don't want to be apart of it! So, that's where I'm at with his. The chick is still claiming she's very well still apart of his life and obviously doesn't care if he's with me. Then, I haven't heard from him, so this is just ridiculous. I'm too OLD for this and have to move on from it all somehow.

Now, if Dirty Harry were to come back to me saying that he wants to be with me, SERIOUSLY be with me, no lies, be true to me, and start fresh with an absolute clean slate, then I think I would actually give it a chance because of my feelings for him....but the reality is, it's not going to happen. Who knows if I'll ever be able to trust him again after everything.

And that's where I stand right now. The "WHAT IF's".

To be continued...

Let Me Take It Back...

Three years back I should say...when my love life changed...for the worse! I met someone, who initially didn't give me a spark, but something intrigued me about him. Let's call him "Dirty Harry". I think I need to blog about him, because he had such a big affect in my life. A big part of my being single IS because of HIM.

I was introduced to him at a girlfriend's get together. We spoke on friendly terms at first and he invited me and my friends out, but we had other plans that night so I thought I'd bump into him another time...I guess if it was meant. So, a couple of weeks pass and I happen to walk in where he worked, this department store where he worked part time as a security guard. I actually forgot that he worked there honestly and when I saw him by the door I smiled and walked over to him and greeted him. He seemed happy to see me and he ended up asking me for my number so we can get together sometime. We ended up meeting up, going to to this hot spot in the city, just us two and ever since that night, there was NO TURNING BACK with us two. We had a couple of drinks, danced the night away, overall, the chemistry was amazing.

After that night, he dropped me off home, but he actually didn't try to make any moves on me and was respectful and I appreciated that. Then, he would call pretty much everyday and we would see each other on a regular basis and we started to become intimate. So, after a while I caught feelings for him (I am a female! lol) and I was trying to figure out what his intentions were with me. One day we started to discuss these things and then his true colors of course started to come out little by little. He then told me he wasn't ready to rush into things because he had just broken up with an ex that he had been "on and off" with. Once he said that, it should have been a red flag for me, but I just took it for what it was because I did enjoy spending time with him and grew to like him. We kept seeing each other and that's when I started to notice his shady actions. For one, he would usually visit me late on weekdays, and one day out of the weekend he wouldn't be so available and that's when I started to think "Does he have a girlfriend or something? Did he get back with his ex???" So, as I continued to see him, my feelings grew deeper of course and I came to the point that I wanted to know where this was heading and if there's anything going on that he should tell me about. So, here came the confessions...little by little.

He tells me that he was about to buy a house and that his parents were going to move in with him eventually. I don't remember all the details, but that was his "story". I came to find out, that he was in fact...ENGAGED! He had just bought a house with his fiance! I found out through his myspace page when someone left him a "Congratulations on your Engagment" comment. UNBELIEVABLE! I immediately emailed him, because I couldn't bare to talk to the guy. I emailed him to congratulate him as well on his engagement, then I went on to call him a filthy pig and everything else in between! So, he responds telling me that he needed to explain himself in person as a Man would. I refused at first, but he kept on insisting and I must admit...I was already deep in it with him and wanted to hear it from his mouth. So, he told me that him and his ex (now fiance) had been on and off and she kind of pressured him into the whole marriage thing, and felt like proposing to her would have been the right thing to do after being with her for many years. Now, he says when he met me, he thought it was just a friendly thing but he also grew feelings for me and couldn't control himself. He knew he was a dirty pig and apologized to me and said he understood if I never wanted to talk to him or see him again. He said his part and I was just there silent and feeling numb just hearing what he had to say without even standing near him because I just couldn't. I was so hurt. So, he ended up leaving and I stood there just taking in everything that I've just learned. I was seeing him about 4 months or so before finding out about this, so yes...I was pretty blinded and fell hard for him, so it wasn't easy believe it or not.

Weeks passed and I had no contact with him and tried to move on...but in the back of my mind I thought about him. Then weeks later, he contacted me to say that he was feeling confused about everything that he didn't know if he wanted to get married and I can't believe I gave him the time of day and answered his call, but I was already weak for him so I heard him out. He said that he loved this girl, he was with her for many years, but that it grew into a routine, he wasn't in love with her...that it was more like a friendship. He wasn't sure if he should continue. Then I got nervous and was thinking, is he considering leaving her...for me? I told him, that it was his decision, that I would not be apart of it. I mean, I fell deeply for the guy and in my own fantasy world, that ugly part would have been erased and we could have been together if he truly loved me and wanted to be with me faithfully, but the reality was...he was a liar and could not be trusted. I stood strong for the most part, although it was tempting to see him, even after learning the truth as weeks went by.

Then more weeks passed and we hadn't contacted or seen each other until one night we ended up at the same club with mutual friends. I put my head up high and pretended he wasn't there, although inside my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest. As I was going to the ladies room, we bumped right into each other and he cornered me. I looked up at him and remembered his face, those eyes that I fell for, those arms that once held me so close every single night and I weakened. He started to tell me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he was sorry for everything he put me through. I just stood there and I was starting to get really emotional (especially since I already had a couple of drinks). He got closer to me and started to take me into his arms and said "I'm not in love with her, I'm in love with you! I miss you!" He started to get really emotional himself and seeing that made me cry right there and then. Then the worse thing happened...we went crazy on each other, grabbing each other, kissing each other passionately and I knew that at that very moment, my life would never be the same again.

This is the part, when all of the girls are gonna be like "NOOOOO!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU WENT BACK TO HIM?!!" I did. That very same night, he came home with me and this was the first time I became intimate with him, knowing that he had a fiance, but then I thought that would be our final goodbye, just one more night then he can be off to his new life (dramatic, I know!). It didn't end there though, he now said that he was sure that he didn't want to be with her and cared about me and was looking to find a way to tell her that it wasn't going to work between them. So, to make a long story short, months and months of us going back and forth and his situation with his ex figuring out about me...they ended up separating and put the house up for sale. During that time, we were seeing each other and we would argue all the time about everything that had to do with that situation. He was still living with her and of course that hurt me, even though he would stay with me, there were times he stood over there as well. It became such an ugly scenario, but I was in love with him and there was no turning back at that point. I fought with him about us, about the situation that I've been dragged into, I was too weak at that point and couldn't get out, I loved him in my own way, I did.

He finally sold the house and he moved back with his parents. During that whole process, we had been back and forth, together...not together...because the situation was just too ugly and too intense for me that I ended up breaking up whatever we had and left him. He would then contact me and I was back in his arms. It was a crazy back and forth thing we had going on...for YEARS! Now, I finally got to learn about him and his ways in the end. He was a player...I fell hard for a player. Even after he sold the house and the relationship with his ex ended...I still didn't get what I needed from him. I thought that he was going to be with me, but he wasn't. Actually, he was...but he was also with many others thereafter. Yes, what a heartbreak that was for me and somewhat of a learning experience. I say somewhat because even till this day, we've remained in contact. Well, really a couple of weeks back. He is currently seeing someone that he has been seeing for a while while him and I were going through our back and forth craziness. This other girl and I ended up finding out about each other and she also knew what happened with me and him and his fiance as well. It was just a mess, obviously this guy couldn't settle down with one girl and he was always confused. Even after his fiance, he was confused about me and this NEW girl that came in the picture so what does that tell you?

I went through my moments that I ran into his arms again when he looked for me and vice versa. We had a very strong connection either way that is just unexplainable, but weeks, months would pass and he would find a way to contact me, even till this day. It was also my fault for always giving in and taking him back. I kept saying to myself "Live in the moment, take it for what it is...life is short!" I don't know what I was expecting from him, even after everything he put me through. I had another girl to "compete" with to get his love and attention now? That's silly! I've been around since day one? He should be with me, I thought. But in the end, I realized if he really wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen 3 years ago.

I know you're probably reading this and thinking you would of ran away a long time ago, but that's easier said than done. There are more details to the story that of course I can't write all on here...because it's just too much, but my feelings for him never went away. Even after everything...they were always there lingering and hoping for something, some miracle to completely change him and his ways...but no man can be changed unless he wants to ON HIS OWN. A couple of weeks back when he wrote to me, in which I entertained again (we hadn't spoke since last year) and I thought I'd just be cool and be civil with him. Again, I left out many details about us so you can better understand why I would even still be in contact with him but he still tells me that he cares about me and that he knows I still care about him, but I on the other hand give him the cold shoulder, make him feel like sh*t because I feel bitter towards the things he has put me through and we're not together and it was his fault. I couldn't take him back, although in my heart I wish things were different and wish he truly could change...he wouldn't and I couldn't trust him. Even worse, he IS seeing this other chick who knows about me and him and our history and she's enjoying every moment knowing that she's with him. Her and I exchanged a couple of "not so pleasant words" in the past. He knew about everything as well and made it known that he didn't want to hurt any one of us. We both ended up not seeing him anymore. Then I guess she went back to him, which is no surprise...I've been there, done that. Even now him seeing her, he would contact me and tell me that he doesn't think we could be happy without each other. Then why on earth is he seeing this other girl. Well, I'm not giving him the time of day now, so of course he's gonna go to her. He then tells me "What if I were to prove to you that I changed and commit only to you? You wouldn't give me a chance?" I told him that I had waited 3 years for that and it never happened. He says that he wants to talk to me about things and I tell him that there's nothing more to talk about, that he knows the deal already. So, because of our history I stay strong and stay away from him, though even after all this time...it's NOT easy.

Well, it's def a crazy, whirlwind of a story with "Dirty Harry". He's lingered around in my life for so long and 'till this day I'm trying to figure out why? My friends all know about him and the affect that he had/has on me and of course they all want him to rot in hell but they are always there for me no matter what happens. I'm wondering, is he the reason why I'm not able to move on or meet someone else? Or do I just have bad luck in choosing the WRONG men??? I really don't know and still think that I am cursed someway, SOMEHOW. Well, I haven't had contact with "Dirty Harry" for a couple of weeks now, which is better for me because anytime he comes back into my life...it's drama and all of these locked emotions inside seem to escape out of me. NOT GOOD! This whole situation with us just makes me laugh out loud because no matter how long we can go without reaching out to each other, somewhere down the line....it always happens. It's inevitable and unexplainable.

To be continued...

Am I Cursed?

Okay, my life should really be a slap-stick romantic comedy. It gets worse! More horror stories for ya! Just two weeks ago, I'm out with my mom for her birthday. We go out to this lounge with music for drinks with some friends of mine as well. We are sitting by the dancefloor and I spotted what I imagined to be "the man of my dreams". LOL He was absolutely adorable and his dance moves, even better. I was in awe and whispered to my mother "Mom, that guy right there, is my kinda guy!" She starts to laugh and I was just checking him out, moving around the dance floor with his smooth moves. I noticed he kept looking over to me and he smiled. I smiled back, kinda flirting which takes a lot for me because believe it or not...I AM SHY! This guy definitely caught my eye, so I wasn't trying to hold back and wanted to show him that I was in fact interested. So, he leaves the dancefloor and that was that. My friends and I started to dance and one of them brings a group of guys over and one of them is my "dream guy"! So, we were introduced and ended up like magnets towards each other. We started to dance and chat it up on the dancefloor with your basic questions "What's your name, where do you live, where do you work, etc?" He was actually in the Navy, working in Manhattan. He had his military suit on and all since it was an after-work party. I thought he was just delish and he had an outgoing, fun personality and his dance moves rocked! I'm a dancer myself so when I see a guy that can keep up with me...that's a PLUS! So, he tells me "Would I be too forward by asking you for your number?" Of course inside I'm like "NOT AT ALL! I've wanted you from the second I laid eyes on you!" LOL I was like "I don't mind, no" So, I gave him my number and he called it right there and left me a funny voicemail which I thought was cute. Anyhoo, after that he thanked me for the dance and gave me a sweet kiss on my cheek. I went back to my mom and told her and she was excited for me. Well, that was on a Friday night...then comes Sunday and I receive a phone call from him, which was nice! So, we were catching up, getting to know a little more about each other and he asks me if I had plans that night. I was already out on the town and wasn't going to get home until later so I told him I might be available later. He tells me he'd like to see a movie with me -- at his place. Uhhhhmmmm...I started to think "His place???" That's a bit too soon. I also found out he lives in New Jersey and that's a bit of a trip. He was going to pick me up, but I had work the next day and wasn't planning on hanging out too late. So, I told him that we should save it for another day and he was fine with it. He said that during the week after work, we could meet up and that he'd pick me up. From what I understood, he said he was going to pick me up the next day after work which was Monday. Monday comes and nothing. I wasn't planning on calling the guy either, he's the one that pursued me and wanted to meet up so I left the ball in his court. Tuesday comes...no word. But of course...just my luck...meet a guy that I AM actually interested from the very beginning...and it's a DUD! Wednesday I actually worked up the nerves to text him (for my own curiousity) and say what's up? AAAAAAAAAAND no response. I'm telling ya...don't know what on earth happened there either, but I haven't heard from him since. You think he got shipped out to Iraq???!!! LOL Should I just give up?! UGH! LOL Your thoughts...

A walk in the...DOG PARK?!

So, last month I met someone at a DOG PARK, without a DOG! Across the street from where I live, there's this dog park and I was meeting up with a guy friend of mine so I decided to sit on a bench by the park and wait for him. I was kind of dressed up a bit fancy too, especially for a dog park so i was getting a bit of attention. So as I'm sitting there, I see this adorable little pup being put down by me and fell in love instantly. I looked up at his owner and noticed he wasn't too shabby himself. He was tall, blue eyes, nice arms...not bad. So, the pup comes over to me and I started to pet him and smiled up at the stranger. We started chatting about his dog, it was a shit-zu (I love those)and he told me the pup's name as well as his. His pup was just a little baby, 4 months old and absolutely adorable. So, in the middle of the convo, I'm already sizing this guy up as a "potential". LOL In the middle of the conversation, my friend arrives and I'm thinking "Uh-oh", he going to see this guy come pick me up and he's going to think it's my boyfriend or something! Just my luck! So, I introduce them and at this time I had the guy's pup on my lap as if he were mine. So, I put the pup down and he starts to get ready to leave and I look up to him telling him it was nice to meet him. He walks towards his "fancy" drop top mercedes benz car (which whatever, I'm not into all that-but it's nice) and puts his pup on the passenger side and drives away.

Now, I look over to my friend and said "Gosh, it would have been nice to get his number or something? Maybe he thought you were my man?!" LOL Then he said I should have just asked him and I said "NO WAY!". I'm old-fashioned, I let the guy take the lead if they're interested...unless I couldn't help myself! LOL BUT NO! I wouldn't! Well, the moment passed and a week goes by and my guy friend contacts me telling me that he bumped into the guy at the Dog Park at a gas station. I was like "WHAT?! What'd he say?!" Then he said "I got his number for you". I had two feelings at that point...excited and embarrassed! The guy remembered my friend and my friend told him that I was interested and wasn't sure to ask for his number. I wanted to DIE when he told me that! Whatever, we're all adults...I got over it. LOL I had his number which is a start to possibly something special??? NOT! Boy, was that a HIT & MISS!!!

We decided to meet at the Dog Park for our "first date" or whatever it was. It was cool, I was playing with his lil pup and we were talking about what he does, etc. He was going into the police academy in the summer, so he was taking it easy for now, telling me he also owned some properties, etc. Good for him, I thought. So, from there we went to grab a bite to eat, he dropped me off home and we kissed on the cheek. It was more of an innocent, friendly date...getting to know each other. So, we went on a couple more dates and every night it ended with just a kiss on the cheek. Hmmmm???? I'm thinking...OK...I mean I'm not THAT attracted to him, but I was trying to get to know him for HIM and not base anything on "looks".This totally makes me crack up out loud thinking back because, like I said...only things like THIS would happen to a gal like me. By the way, he took his pup everywhere with him, which I didn't mind because I thought he was the cutest thing! There was actually one time, he didn't bring him and we went to eat at this restaurant and I thought maybe now there wouldn't be any distractions and maybe something more would happen, but nope! He drops me off home and kiss on the cheek! LOL I'm thinking..is this boy shy or something??? I mean, he keeps asking me out and spending time with me. Is he waiting for ME to make the move??? Well, I just brushed it off and thought "Hey, it's nice to take this slow...REALLY SLOW, for a change". Not that I"m a fricken WHORE or anything! LOL

Anyway, one day we went to work out together and we've become more comfortable with each other at this point, so I went back to his place. He said he wanted to work out some more and he had some weights and machines at his place so I was game. He had a nice place, which also had a sauna which was great. He told me I can use it as a part of my exercise routine. So, I was thinking "Whoa! I gotta get naked in a towel in this guy's apartment now." LOL I was a bit shy about it but then again, this boy hasn't made a move on me from the very start, so I stripped down to my undies and wrapped a towel around me. He told me, he'd be in his bedroom while I was getting undressed and to call him when I was done using the Sauna. Okay...this is NOT normal! Wouldn't any guy want to see a gal, with sweat dripping down her body and a towel just barely covering her voluptious body like mine??!!! WHAT THE HELL?! Another "WHY ME?!" moment of course. So, I was done with the Sauna and called out to him and he came to the living room. So, there I was sitting down, sweating and glowing from the heat with my legs crossed, exposing some of my "meat" and the boy is sitting on the other end of the sofa without saying a word! We just started to watch tv and finally I said I was going to change and go home. Okay, we've hung out several times already and really? NOTHING?! Doesn't make sense? Is he gay? Why is he hanging out with me so much? I leave it alone and he drops me off home and ANOTHER kiss on the cheek. OH BOY! I was getting more action from his PUP by now, that has licked me up and dry-humped my leg a couple of times!!!

Well, I wasn't sweating it, just took it for what it was. I thought maybe he was just really reserved and shy, so I was just being the good girl and not reacting to it. So, one night I went out to a club with friends and we were texting each other. It was already late and he sounded all flirty through the text and I was thinking, "WOW! Can it be that he's actually FLIRTING with me???" I entertain it for a bit and we decidded to meet up with each other afterwards. My friend drops me off to his car and there he was waiting patiently for me. He complimented me on my outfit and we went back to his place. His cute lil pup greets us at the door and we both end up on the couch together. For the first time ever, he is sitting really close to me, but still NOT doing anything, just rubbing elbows basically. LOL So, we're watching tv, getting more cozy and comfortable and he actually puts his arm around me. I felt like I was in fricken JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!!! I'm a grown woman dammit! JUMP ON TOP OF ME OR SOMETHING!!! LOL Okay, not really, but it was nice. We both ended up just knocking out on his couch. I woke up the next morning, feeling a tongue on my neck...of course it was the pup's! I joked and said "Hey, is that you?" He started to laugh as well and I thought that would have broke the ice somehow and hinted that maybe I was open for SOMETHING! So, we continued to watch TV throughout the day, we ordered in food and yeah, that was pretty much it! I started to get ready to go home and you can imagine what I was feeling. So, he drops me off home and yup...another kiss on the cheek. OH MY! So, we say goodnight and basically...that's the last time I heard of him or seen him. I had texted him hello to see how him and his pup were doing and no response...he just disappeared?! What the heck was THAT all about??? Maybe he realized I was more in love with his dog than him! Which now that I think about it...I WAS!!! LOL You're probably thinking "WOW"...your thoughts???

Catchin' UP!

Okay, I haven't been on my blog for a while! I've been a bad girl, I know! I'm supposed to be on here sharing my life experiences, updating you all with my love life most of all and NADA! I will try my best to give you a quick "recap" of what I've been up to these last couple of months.

Well, first of all...I TURNED THE BIG 30!!! YES! GOODBYE TWENTIES! :( I'm feeling okay though! It wasn't a big deal after all. I still look and feel great! I'm trying more than ever to work out on my body. I recently bought one of Kim Kardashian's DVD's called "Ultimate Butt Body Sculpt" and boy does that do the job for my booty! My glutes were sore for 3 days and they still are! I also have a body ball that I love to use to help me stretch out my back and do sit-ups on. It's the BEST and very effective! I also have 3 pound weights and a 8 pounds weight to tone up my arms. Well, I just started this work-out process so let's see how I progress. It's all about eating healthier, taking in the right portions of food and drinking LOTS and LOTS of water. SO WISH ME LUCK!

Now, let's get back to what seems to be my never-ending quest to find (or be found, lol)...you guessed it...TRUE LOVE! I know it sounds silly to many, but in my heart I will always have that one wish to stumble upon the great love of my life, wherever he may be! I'm sure you've all have experienced a couple of "headaches" in the love department, but sometimes I feel like some of the situations I've experienced were solely meant for ME and NO ONE ELSE in this crazy world! LOL I always end up saying to myself "WHY ME?! NO...REALLY...WHY ME?!" Well, maybe there's some things that you guys can enlighten me on which is why I decided to share this blog with the world! I never got a chance to share with you, all of the "frogs" in my fairytale so with that said..."LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"

Maybe it's ME???

Okay, I think I'm "Self-Sabotaging" my love life! I'm expected to be let down, so I end up letting others down first! Why am I doing this? I guess I'm thinking "if something is too good to be true", it probably is? Once I come to this conclusion, I immediately SHUT DOWN and push myself away as well as push others away from me. I don't mean to do this, but it only stems from the fear that lies inside of me. The fear that I will once again open my heart up to someone so they can just come in and trample on it. My heart has finally mended for like the gazillionth time and like the picture above, that's pretty much how it should be looking right about now.

The weird part about all this is that physically, I have no problem opening up -- to a point! Then when it gets really personal and intimate, that's when feelings want to come into play and I automatically shut off and become a bit standoffish towards others? Go analyze that! I surely have! I'm pretty much scared to open up EMOTIONALLY towards another, but this is common isn't it? Physically, I'm okay though...does that make me a whore???!!! LOL NO WAY! I'm a GOOD GIRL! In a NAUGHTY CITY of course! :-P Now, how do I fix this problem and prevent from hurting others feelings or pushing them away....?!!

I've done a little research on "Self-Sabotaging" in relationships and these are some things I've come across:

I'm wearing a SERIOUS Suit of Armour...according to one article I read, I would be appear to be the type that has this suit of armour. With each disappointment I've come across, I add a little more to my hard shell making it harder for someone to get close to me. It says if I try and avoid the pain that realistically can come with "looking for love" (by closing myself off or hurting the object of my "potential affections) before the relationship even gets started, then I may also be avoiding possible joy! HA! STORY OF MY LIFE!

So, where do I go from here? What advice can you give me???

Living in the "Moments"

My love life has pretty much consisted of just "moments". At times, I would be satisfied with them and other times I thought they were just a complete waste! Though, like the saying goes "The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time". I must say that I did enjoy the "moments" while they lasted. Even though there were those traumatizing ones, I knew that I had loved with the true passion that lies within me and that was enough for me to be able to say that I have lived!

Living in the Moment...how else is it supposed to be? Don't we all live in the moment? We don't know if we'll be able to take another breath tomorrow. So, why not just live your life and give it your all for "the moment"? The problem with that is, tomorrow is never promised for you. I don't know about you but I need to feel that warm and tingly feeling inside that I am in fact "safe and secure". I am a bit of a rebel and risk taker, which is why 'till this day, I'm left with many scars. Maybe I'm just meant to live my life like one big rollercoaster ride and enjoy it's ups and downs without ever getting off! Hey, it's FUN...why not?!

Rollercoasters and relationships...when you're on your way to the "TOP", you get those knots in your stomach, you don't know what lies ahead and don't know if the fall will be too steep. You're full of anxiety and excitement at the very same time. Finally, you reach the top and you see how beautiful the world can look when you're up so "HIGH". Then in an instant, it pulls you in and gives you such an unexpected rush that leaves you holding on for dear life! It reaches those incredible heights, those ups and downs that leave you gasping and wanting more! Of course the most memorable experiences are the ones that have all of those crazy twists and turns, which can either leave you with a serious migraine or a fractured body part that hopefully isn't your HEART...! ;-)