The "INEVITABLE"

It happened again. He creeped back into my life again. Well, not fully...but he put his foot right at the door to our past as I was closing it. "Dirty Harry", what did I say in my last post? It was inevitable that we'd bump into each other again and we did. Any time we cross each other's path again, there's bound to be a stir of unexplainable emotions that surface...which can only lead to DRAMA!

I decided last minute that I wanted to go out with a girlfriend of mine to an afterwork party in the city. She had been stressed out lately about her own issues, so it was good to get out and RELEASE the stress, preferably on the dancefloor! Always my therapy! So, I was online with her and noticed a guy that looked familiar and I told my friend, "I think I just saw Dirty Harry's best friend?" So, if he's here, then Dirty Harry should definitely be there too. All of a sudden, my heart started beating faster and I started feeling anxiety. I haven't seen him in months and I must admit, anytime I'm near him, my bloods rushes to my brain and I can't think straight. Yeah, it's THAT DEEP! UNEXPLAINABLE! So, we get inside, scoped out the crowd a bit and ordered our drinks. We began walking around and we reached the other side of the bar and there is Dirty Harry's best friend that noticed me, smiled and waved to me to come over. Of course I'm friendly and went over to him and gave him a kiss hello. Instantly I began thinking, "OMG, where is he? Where's Dirty Harry? He must be around?" So, right then and there his best friend points behind me to turn around and as I did...there he was. He had this scared, silly smile on his face. I kind of jokingly rolled my eyes like "OH NO, YOU'RE HERE!" though inside my heart was going to jump out of my chest! So, he came to me and gave me a kiss hello and I introduced my friend to his friends. There was also a mutual guy friend of Dirty Harry's and mine that popped around the corner and I was surprised as well. So, let me share this with you...any time we're in the same vicinity, we are like MAGNETS. We just can't help but be stuck next to each other, it's just the way we work, the way our chemistry works, it's UNEXPLAINABLE! You'll be hearing that word A LOT! So, the "old me" would have stood there with him...I even felt my body being drawn to his, to stay by his side, but I didn't. As I left, I felt like I had to literally pull myself out of this invisible magnetic force between us...insane! I went on to the dancefloor with my friend, but I just knew that he would definitely be following me...and he did. He came to the dancefloor by me with a guy friend of ours. His guy friend went to dance with my girlfriend so Dirty Harry and I were left alone...BIG MISTAKE! So, he asks me politely "Can I dance with you? I'm actually really scared to ask, but I took the chance." I hadn't seen the guy in months and my feelings for him...UNEXPLAINABLE...LOL! So, I couldn't say NO! There was no turning back after that!

On the dancefloor we were, in our own world, our bodies touching after such a long time and it felt so right and so good! He was holding me tight, hugging me, his lips were by my neck,I had lost all control and was enjoying every moment. He told me that he missed me and his body language said it all. Now remember, he was seeing some other chick which was a big reason why I stopped seeing him because there was so much drama and nonsense with that and I didn't want to be apart of it anymore. So, he tells me that he wasn't seeing her anymore. I gave him the whole "What do I care?" line. I'm wondering is he telling me this so I can feel better and maybe give in to a night of crazy passion with him?! LOL Maybe?!I was definitely caught up in the moment, I must say. So he then invited me to another spot, my friend already had left with another friend of his. I told her it was okay, because Dirty Harry was going to give me a ride into town. I told you...like MAGNETS! So, I ended up going with him to another lounge near where we live and from there I was by myself with his friends and I felt out of place and ridiculous. I guess I started to sober up and reality hit me that this guy put me through so much heartache the last 3 years and I'm over here hanging with him and his friends. He was already drinking and feeling tipsy and all over the place and I got turned off and upset. I ended up making moves to leave. I went up to him and his friends and said that I was leaving. It was kind of early and he came up to me asking me where I was going. I told him I was going home and that I had to wake up early. He grabbed my hand and told me that he would take me home. I told him, "NO! I'm going to call a cab myself...thank you" He kept on insisting and I stood strong and said NO THANK YOU! So, he got all emotional and walked me to the front so I can call my cab. Before we got outside, that's when he corned me again and begain to express his feelings for me (again). Felt like Deja Vu from years back! He began to say that he missed me, that he LOVED me and that he feels that we're gonna get married. In a beautiful perfect world, that would be nice...but in reality...this guy is BOGUS! Then he began to hug me and kissed my lips and I just stood there, didnt give in but didn't pull back either. Ugh, how I would love for it to be wonderful between us. If the drama didn't exist...I would be with him, I would because of how I've always felt strongly for him inside...but I can't! I won't do it to myself! I won't get involved with him again. The drama still exists, and the fact is...he's just not ready for anything serious! He said it himself, so why even mention marriage? He's crazy! So, my cab comes and he's holding on to me, telling me that he loves me and that when the time is right, we will be together. He says, "All or nothing...I know that's what you want and I want to do things the right way" Well, what I got out of it is that when HE IS READY, it will be all or nothing. Ugh, I know since I'm in it I can't see what everyone else sees which is BULLSH*T! In my heart I want to believe that he can miraculously change and really love me and PROVE to me that he will be committed to me, etc...but it doesn't seem to be in him and he knows this. It hurts to have such strong feelings for someone for such a long time, hoping for a MIRACLE and know that you're going to be disappointed in the end.

I mean, I have moved on from him and dated others, but inside he's always had my heart and I was never able to open up to other guys. I'm not sure why I never got that closure from him. Maybe because we never got the chance to experience a relationship with just us and no exes, drama, etc. We were always in some kind of mess and it was his fault and my own for entertaining it for such a long time. So, where was I? I got into my cab as I left him with this sad and disappointed face...which was probably just the liquor that took over his emotions. So, as I walk into my place, I get a text...from him. It reads "I love you. Yeah I said it. I really do, sorry" Ugh! He is the biggest DRAMA QUEEN ever! All I said was goodnight.

So, this all happened on Friday night and he texted me here and there over the weekend to see what I was doing and I actually responded. I got a little wrapped up in it again, but not too much so i kept it pretty light. I went out Saturday night for another event and got a little tipsy actually. I ended up doing the old "drunk text" move....ugh! HORRIBLE! I KNOW! I texted Dirty Harry that he didn't love me and that he talked so much sh*t! I told him if he really loved me he would have been with me, etc. Then I sobered up and texted him back saying to ignore that last two texts...LOL Yeah, a VERY bi-polar moment I had...which I'm kinda famous for at times! LOL He texted me back "Omg, are you okay". I wrote back "Nope" and no response. The next day he texted me "How the hangover?" I didn't respond right away. Actually, I was with two of my girlfriends having brunch and they insisted that I don't reply. Once I left them, I answered him back like three hours later saying "I'm good". Then I didn't hear back from him.

So, this was Memorial Day weekend I was off from work that Monday, so on Monday night, I was downloading pics that I had taken from the night in the city that I bumped into him. I saw the pics and got a bit emotional again. There were a couple of pics we took together and I was thinking WOW, this is the guy that I've been caught up with for 3 YEARS and some! WHY?! Why does he keep coming back into my life?! What's the reason? I keep moving on from him, date others and then BOOM, he crosses my path again! UNEXPLAINABLE!!! So, I decided to email him the pics since there were some of him and his friends in there as well. In the email I wrote here are some pics for his "memory album". Then I pretty much told him that if he ever wanted to come back into my life, like he said, he would have to do things the RIGHT way and yes it would have to be ALL or NOTHING. He texted me the next day, which was Tuesday thanking me for sending him the pics and that was that. I haven't heard from him since.

Now, in between all of this mess, there's this chick that he's been involved with. My friends are all aware as I am as well that she will not let this guy go and would be willing to share him, that's how pathetic she is. She settled and stood with him, I didn't. So, this chick has a myspace page, which we had exchanged a couple of words last year about this whole drama, but I have a myspace page too and she would pretty much stalk me and make comments on her page that were towards me. So, I knew during this weekend, word would get around to her that we were in contact. So my friends and I checked out her page and what do you know. She made a comment on her status about me claiming that she is still with Dirty Harry and that this was all a game, etc. She really is immature in leaving those comments directed towards me, but it made me think...do I really want to be with a guy that has these obsessed girls lingering around him. That's just too much drama for me and I don't want to be apart of it! So, that's where I'm at with his. The chick is still claiming she's very well still apart of his life and obviously doesn't care if he's with me. Then, I haven't heard from him, so this is just ridiculous. I'm too OLD for this and have to move on from it all somehow.

Now, if Dirty Harry were to come back to me saying that he wants to be with me, SERIOUSLY be with me, no lies, be true to me, and start fresh with an absolute clean slate, then I think I would actually give it a chance because of my feelings for him....but the reality is, it's not going to happen. Who knows if I'll ever be able to trust him again after everything.

And that's where I stand right now. The "WHAT IF's".

To be continued...