Let Me Take It Back...

Three years back I should say...when my love life changed...for the worse! I met someone, who initially didn't give me a spark, but something intrigued me about him. Let's call him "Dirty Harry". I think I need to blog about him, because he had such a big affect in my life. A big part of my being single IS because of HIM.

I was introduced to him at a girlfriend's get together. We spoke on friendly terms at first and he invited me and my friends out, but we had other plans that night so I thought I'd bump into him another time...I guess if it was meant. So, a couple of weeks pass and I happen to walk in where he worked, this department store where he worked part time as a security guard. I actually forgot that he worked there honestly and when I saw him by the door I smiled and walked over to him and greeted him. He seemed happy to see me and he ended up asking me for my number so we can get together sometime. We ended up meeting up, going to to this hot spot in the city, just us two and ever since that night, there was NO TURNING BACK with us two. We had a couple of drinks, danced the night away, overall, the chemistry was amazing.

After that night, he dropped me off home, but he actually didn't try to make any moves on me and was respectful and I appreciated that. Then, he would call pretty much everyday and we would see each other on a regular basis and we started to become intimate. So, after a while I caught feelings for him (I am a female! lol) and I was trying to figure out what his intentions were with me. One day we started to discuss these things and then his true colors of course started to come out little by little. He then told me he wasn't ready to rush into things because he had just broken up with an ex that he had been "on and off" with. Once he said that, it should have been a red flag for me, but I just took it for what it was because I did enjoy spending time with him and grew to like him. We kept seeing each other and that's when I started to notice his shady actions. For one, he would usually visit me late on weekdays, and one day out of the weekend he wouldn't be so available and that's when I started to think "Does he have a girlfriend or something? Did he get back with his ex???" So, as I continued to see him, my feelings grew deeper of course and I came to the point that I wanted to know where this was heading and if there's anything going on that he should tell me about. So, here came the confessions...little by little.

He tells me that he was about to buy a house and that his parents were going to move in with him eventually. I don't remember all the details, but that was his "story". I came to find out, that he was in fact...ENGAGED! He had just bought a house with his fiance! I found out through his myspace page when someone left him a "Congratulations on your Engagment" comment. UNBELIEVABLE! I immediately emailed him, because I couldn't bare to talk to the guy. I emailed him to congratulate him as well on his engagement, then I went on to call him a filthy pig and everything else in between! So, he responds telling me that he needed to explain himself in person as a Man would. I refused at first, but he kept on insisting and I must admit...I was already deep in it with him and wanted to hear it from his mouth. So, he told me that him and his ex (now fiance) had been on and off and she kind of pressured him into the whole marriage thing, and felt like proposing to her would have been the right thing to do after being with her for many years. Now, he says when he met me, he thought it was just a friendly thing but he also grew feelings for me and couldn't control himself. He knew he was a dirty pig and apologized to me and said he understood if I never wanted to talk to him or see him again. He said his part and I was just there silent and feeling numb just hearing what he had to say without even standing near him because I just couldn't. I was so hurt. So, he ended up leaving and I stood there just taking in everything that I've just learned. I was seeing him about 4 months or so before finding out about this, so yes...I was pretty blinded and fell hard for him, so it wasn't easy believe it or not.

Weeks passed and I had no contact with him and tried to move on...but in the back of my mind I thought about him. Then weeks later, he contacted me to say that he was feeling confused about everything that he didn't know if he wanted to get married and I can't believe I gave him the time of day and answered his call, but I was already weak for him so I heard him out. He said that he loved this girl, he was with her for many years, but that it grew into a routine, he wasn't in love with her...that it was more like a friendship. He wasn't sure if he should continue. Then I got nervous and was thinking, is he considering leaving her...for me? I told him, that it was his decision, that I would not be apart of it. I mean, I fell deeply for the guy and in my own fantasy world, that ugly part would have been erased and we could have been together if he truly loved me and wanted to be with me faithfully, but the reality was...he was a liar and could not be trusted. I stood strong for the most part, although it was tempting to see him, even after learning the truth as weeks went by.

Then more weeks passed and we hadn't contacted or seen each other until one night we ended up at the same club with mutual friends. I put my head up high and pretended he wasn't there, although inside my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest. As I was going to the ladies room, we bumped right into each other and he cornered me. I looked up at him and remembered his face, those eyes that I fell for, those arms that once held me so close every single night and I weakened. He started to tell me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he was sorry for everything he put me through. I just stood there and I was starting to get really emotional (especially since I already had a couple of drinks). He got closer to me and started to take me into his arms and said "I'm not in love with her, I'm in love with you! I miss you!" He started to get really emotional himself and seeing that made me cry right there and then. Then the worse thing happened...we went crazy on each other, grabbing each other, kissing each other passionately and I knew that at that very moment, my life would never be the same again.

This is the part, when all of the girls are gonna be like "NOOOOO!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU WENT BACK TO HIM?!!" I did. That very same night, he came home with me and this was the first time I became intimate with him, knowing that he had a fiance, but then I thought that would be our final goodbye, just one more night then he can be off to his new life (dramatic, I know!). It didn't end there though, he now said that he was sure that he didn't want to be with her and cared about me and was looking to find a way to tell her that it wasn't going to work between them. So, to make a long story short, months and months of us going back and forth and his situation with his ex figuring out about me...they ended up separating and put the house up for sale. During that time, we were seeing each other and we would argue all the time about everything that had to do with that situation. He was still living with her and of course that hurt me, even though he would stay with me, there were times he stood over there as well. It became such an ugly scenario, but I was in love with him and there was no turning back at that point. I fought with him about us, about the situation that I've been dragged into, I was too weak at that point and couldn't get out, I loved him in my own way, I did.

He finally sold the house and he moved back with his parents. During that whole process, we had been back and forth, together...not together...because the situation was just too ugly and too intense for me that I ended up breaking up whatever we had and left him. He would then contact me and I was back in his arms. It was a crazy back and forth thing we had going on...for YEARS! Now, I finally got to learn about him and his ways in the end. He was a player...I fell hard for a player. Even after he sold the house and the relationship with his ex ended...I still didn't get what I needed from him. I thought that he was going to be with me, but he wasn't. Actually, he was...but he was also with many others thereafter. Yes, what a heartbreak that was for me and somewhat of a learning experience. I say somewhat because even till this day, we've remained in contact. Well, really a couple of weeks back. He is currently seeing someone that he has been seeing for a while while him and I were going through our back and forth craziness. This other girl and I ended up finding out about each other and she also knew what happened with me and him and his fiance as well. It was just a mess, obviously this guy couldn't settle down with one girl and he was always confused. Even after his fiance, he was confused about me and this NEW girl that came in the picture so what does that tell you?

I went through my moments that I ran into his arms again when he looked for me and vice versa. We had a very strong connection either way that is just unexplainable, but weeks, months would pass and he would find a way to contact me, even till this day. It was also my fault for always giving in and taking him back. I kept saying to myself "Live in the moment, take it for what it is...life is short!" I don't know what I was expecting from him, even after everything he put me through. I had another girl to "compete" with to get his love and attention now? That's silly! I've been around since day one? He should be with me, I thought. But in the end, I realized if he really wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen 3 years ago.

I know you're probably reading this and thinking you would of ran away a long time ago, but that's easier said than done. There are more details to the story that of course I can't write all on here...because it's just too much, but my feelings for him never went away. Even after everything...they were always there lingering and hoping for something, some miracle to completely change him and his ways...but no man can be changed unless he wants to ON HIS OWN. A couple of weeks back when he wrote to me, in which I entertained again (we hadn't spoke since last year) and I thought I'd just be cool and be civil with him. Again, I left out many details about us so you can better understand why I would even still be in contact with him but he still tells me that he cares about me and that he knows I still care about him, but I on the other hand give him the cold shoulder, make him feel like sh*t because I feel bitter towards the things he has put me through and we're not together and it was his fault. I couldn't take him back, although in my heart I wish things were different and wish he truly could change...he wouldn't and I couldn't trust him. Even worse, he IS seeing this other chick who knows about me and him and our history and she's enjoying every moment knowing that she's with him. Her and I exchanged a couple of "not so pleasant words" in the past. He knew about everything as well and made it known that he didn't want to hurt any one of us. We both ended up not seeing him anymore. Then I guess she went back to him, which is no surprise...I've been there, done that. Even now him seeing her, he would contact me and tell me that he doesn't think we could be happy without each other. Then why on earth is he seeing this other girl. Well, I'm not giving him the time of day now, so of course he's gonna go to her. He then tells me "What if I were to prove to you that I changed and commit only to you? You wouldn't give me a chance?" I told him that I had waited 3 years for that and it never happened. He says that he wants to talk to me about things and I tell him that there's nothing more to talk about, that he knows the deal already. So, because of our history I stay strong and stay away from him, though even after all this time...it's NOT easy.

Well, it's def a crazy, whirlwind of a story with "Dirty Harry". He's lingered around in my life for so long and 'till this day I'm trying to figure out why? My friends all know about him and the affect that he had/has on me and of course they all want him to rot in hell but they are always there for me no matter what happens. I'm wondering, is he the reason why I'm not able to move on or meet someone else? Or do I just have bad luck in choosing the WRONG men??? I really don't know and still think that I am cursed someway, SOMEHOW. Well, I haven't had contact with "Dirty Harry" for a couple of weeks now, which is better for me because anytime he comes back into my life...it's drama and all of these locked emotions inside seem to escape out of me. NOT GOOD! This whole situation with us just makes me laugh out loud because no matter how long we can go without reaching out to each other, somewhere down the line....it always happens. It's inevitable and unexplainable.

To be continued...